A Day To Remember

A Day to Remember

“Got the picnic bag?” I yell over my shoulder.

“Yes mas-ter,” Hugo, my annoying older brother replied robotically.

“And have you got the compass?” Archie frowned, mocking my stern question to Hugo.

I nodded, chuckling.  So in walking boots, with rugs, food and a compass, we set off into the thick bush.

Pushing past green leaves, heavy with raindrops, we soon came to the first clearing that we identified as ‘The Den.’

Archie was the first to wander over to his favourite tree-stump and plonk himself down. Hugo was the next but unfortunately his stump was wet and soon the boys were arguing about who should sit on which stump! I gave a chuckle glancing across to the pathetically fighting boys.

“Oh for pity’s sake!” I shout at last, blushing as I realised how much I sounded like a bossy mother, “We’ll be off again soon, so Hugo why don’t you sit on the ground, or Archie,” I put in.

“It’s wet,” they both groaned in chorus with each other, then laughed all over again.

Bored of the two, I got up, brushed my hands on the seat of my jeans, then carried on walking through the bush. The boys soon caught up with me, still laughing like a band of mad hyenas!  Finally Archie recovered from his hectic giggles but typically Hugo went way over the top and fell over with his laughing!  Unluckily for him, he fell right into a bush with spiky leaves and landed on the other side in a dark pit looking thing.  Now he wasn’t laughing.  But Archie and I were cracking up!!  As we bent down to haul him up, I heard a distant noise.

“Did you hear that?” I immediately asked. Both boys nodded, frozen with alarm.

“Could it possibly have been a horse?”

Both boys looked at each other.

‘Yes it could have been.’  I could see them thinking. ‘But they certainly didn’t want me chasing after wild horses!’

  “It can’t have been”, Hugo said at last.  “Not way out here.”

But reading their nervous expressions it was plain clear to me that they were just pretending. But surely horses aren’t way out here in the bush?

I quickly began darting dramatically round bends and following the whinnies.

As I continued struggling past stems, stumps, roots and more, the whinnies finally appeared to be closer.  I slowly approached a large fir tree, then put my head on one side and glanced between thick, slanting branches ….. standing there was a beautiful chocolate brown pony with amazing eyes. 

It looked as though she were smiling as she lowered her head, almost asking me to pat her. As I took a step back, she followed me. The beautiful filly kept nickering and trying to nuzzle me.

‘She’s probably been abused and now needs help.’

I thought while glancing at her crusty sores.

“Come with me beautiful,” I whispered. “You need my help. You need a permanent home.”

Lily

Feedback from the Judge
I think you got caught out on the word count.  Your characters are real, your setting has atmosphere.  There's the tension there and then you find the horse and then it's over.  I felt that the story was just the beginning.  I wonder if you might go on to write novels rather than short stories.  The novel might be ' your thing'!  Worth a try. You might want to keek working on this one. There's so much more to tell. Who owns the horse? Why has it been so badly treated? What are you going to do with it? Take it home? What if the owner comes looking for it? There's the danger you might get accused of stealing it. The brothers - how do they fit in with the story?
There is so much more to tell and I'd love to read more.
The Puffin theme could  work in so easily - you could call the horse Puffin!
Autographed copy of your novel, please!

Feedback provided by famous author Dawn McMillan.

Character Descriptions - General and Specific

General

He was a jolly man with a jolly face, a jolly smile and a jolly belly. He has cheeks as red as roses, a snow white beard and a mop of silvery-white hair on top of his head. He only wore red, a red top, a red coat, red pants and a red hat with a perfect puffed pompom on top. He4 wore big black boots and his large stomach hung over his big black belt because he’s been eating too many cookies. All his clothes have a fluffy white lining and a big brown sack was hanging over his shoulder.

Specific

A cloud of ash appeared as he came barrelling down the chimney like a massive cannonball. A figure appeared in front of me. He ducked to avoid the low overhang of bricks as he climbed out of the fireplace, pulling a big brown sack out behind him. His belly seemed to fill the whole room. His face was blackened with ash but you could still see his cherry red cheeks bulging out from the rest of his face. He had small wrinkles at the edges of his mouth that told me he had been smiling a lot. He had a long white beard and a mop of hair the same colour. His bright eyes had a twinkle in them and stood out against the rest of his blacky-brown face. He put something down by the Christmas tree and headed for the chimney. He seemed to fly straight up to the top without touching the sides. The magic in the room was gone.  

Luke - Room 6

STORIES FROM ROOM 2

RATS

I was asleep and I heard six rats in my drawers.  I let them go.  I got a box.  I put the box in the drawers and the little rats ran out.  I put the box in the garden.  They went under the deck.  They went back in the box. 
When I went inside they went back inside.  I got them a drink.  They drank and drank.  I felt happy.

By Chevy
aged 5

RUGBY
I went to the rugby.  South Africa Cheetahs got 22.  The Blues won.  The Blues got 29. 
A big scarecrow came out of the dressing room.  Sparks came out of the back of the scoreboard. 
My day was happy.

By Loyd Clark
aged 6

BUSY  WEEKEND
I went to school.  We did some work.  Then school was finished. 
Me and Mum went to the disco.  We were the first people.  Then it was time to dance.  I was thirsty and I was hungry.  I got a lemonade and a crunchy bar.  Then the disco was finished.
On Saturday we went fishing with Dad and Kate and Tom and me.  We put the boat in the sea.  We had to go slowly out of the harbour.  Then we went fast and we put the long line out.  Then we went to have a fish.  We caught 22 fish.
On Sunday we invited Zeph.  I felt happy.

By Sid Drinkrow
aged 6


A  GOOD  IDEA
The animals were hot.  And Rhinoceros thought of an idea.
"I'm going to find a shady tree."
And Zebra thought of grass.
Then they found shade and they went to the tree.  But Warthog got there first.
And Rhinoceros finally got there.  Then there was no room.
Then Rhino used his butt to make some shade.

By Jett McKelvie
aged 5

ITCHY BITES
I hate itchy bites.  I scratched it. 
Mum said, "Just give it a little more time."
I felt sad.

By Scott van Bakel
aged 5

IT WAS A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT ...BY CLAIRE KEVEN

It was a dark and stormy night, the wind howled through a crack in the house.

“I’m bored” said the Chief “Tell us a story”

“How about” said Antonio, “It was a dark and stormy night.  The wolves slowly crept up…”

“I don’t like wolves, why can’t it be a beach?” yelled the Chief.

“It was a sunny day” continued Antonio, “The seagulls squawked”

“Stupid seagulls” growled the Chief

“How about” started Antonio, “Delicious fruit dropped down from tall trees”

“Where’s the ice cream?” said the Chief

“Fine” said Antonio

“Once upon a time the Chief and Antonio where lying on the beach”

“What about the chairs?” said the Chief

“You’re getting really annoying” said Antonio. 

“Once upon a time Antonio and the Chief,” started Antonio “Were sitting on their chairs”

“I want a book” said the Chief

“For goodness sake” said Antonio,

“Once upon a time” started Antonio, “Three dragons came and ate the Chief.  The End!!”

Room 5 have been learning to write limericks.  We know a limerick has five lines, a pattern of rhyming and a pattern of rhythm.  It tells a story and could be funny.  We wrote some swimming sports limericks.

We went to college to compete
My limbs felt just like jelly meat
I dived into the pool
And it was very cool
I'm glad I had hot food to eat.
Nicky



As I sat on a step looking down
Wrapped in my towel like a gown
I felt terribly cold
I was not feeling bold
But at least I'm not going to drown
Lily


One day our school went for swim
I hit my head on a rim
I tried such a lot
To stop the plot
But the pain would not give in
Saffron


Tomarata School went for a splash
With lane ropes so they didn't crash
They had lots of fun
And when they were done
They all put their waste in the trash.
Tamsyn


One day our school went to the pool
It was oh so very cool
I quickly jumped in
To have a quick swim
Now I don't feel such a fool
Abbey


The starter guns were very loud
My friends were cheering and real proud
I jumped high like a jumping bean
My face showed I was not so keen
When I won I was in a cloud
Rosa

90 Days of Summer

It must have been 100 degrees outside.  Whatever the heat, it was enough to make my head hang out of the open window, enjoying the cool fresh breeze as it hit my sunburnt face.  I stared up at the poplars that lined the edge of the cul de sac, the gaps in the leaves allowing the sunlight to shine through like stars.  I couldn't imagine a better day. 

The smell of the open sea alerted me that there was water nearby, a basic necessity of every summer day.  It wasn't long before I was running wildly up the wharf, about to dive bomb into the deep.  My eyes had never sighted something so beautiful.  The sand sparkled like jewels and the bubbls of my breath wobbled like little jellyfish as they rose.

I could see the sun glistening through the water.  It was heaven... for a moment.  I felt something tugging on my foot, dragging me under furiously.  I was gasping for air.  My lungs were on fire.  It was like a dream. 

I clung to my bedsheets, like they were a lifesaver.  My bedsheets?  I really opened my eyes and it will remain just that- a dream.   A very crazy dream.  One that I will never forget.  But little did anyone know that my crazy dream would soon come true.

By Rebecca

Summer

We piled out of the hot steamy car.  As I rushed down to the warm moist sand waves splashed up onto the jagged rocks on the other side of the beach. 
I begin to build a sand castle out of the sloppy sand, piling it up so it takes shape.  It is very large with a mount and seperate guard towers. 

I change into my togs and dive in with my sisters and my dad.  The waves begin to roll in and we go up and down, up and down.

After our relaxing swim we all decide to check out the rock pools.  There is a gigantic rock pool ten feet deep.  I dive in and float in the cool merky water at Tawharanui Beach.

By Sean

My Birthday Disaster

           My Birthday Disaster

It was a bright sunny morning and in my words it was the best morning of my life. Today It was my 9^th birthday and I was going to have the coolest birthday of the year, everyone was going to come (my best friends only though). My awesome mum had got security guards to guard the door in case any intruders came and tried to get in.

I was sitting at the table in my coolest pink party dress when the clock showed 10.00am. I raced down the hall way with my dress flying every where. I finally got to the party room and saw the old wooden brown table turned into a beautiful pink glittery pink table. The table had crispy hot sausage rolls, red cheerio’s, lots of chips and sweets for Africa. I screwed my hands up into a fist like shape and yelled “Yes.”

All my friends were going to arrive at 11.00am on the dot. I was lying on my bed and looking at my alarm clock saying to myself, “When is it going to be 11.00am over and over again.” Finally it got to 11.30am only half an hour until my party starts. It felt like time had just flown when my alarm clock had just gone 11.00am.

I raced back down the hall to wait in the party room for my guests to come. 11.30am.  Still no one here. Just then I heard my mum.   “Michaela why are all the right invites sitting in the printer, you gave your friends the invite that said your birthday will be tomorrow.” OH no I thought to myself another birthday disaster.

Michaela

A Beachy Day

It was just another boiling summer day.  The sun was pouring through the cobwebbed window next to my bed.  The rain had been pelting all night long.  It was one of those long summer thunderstorms.

I yawned sleepily, blinked twice and stared plainly out of my bedroom window.  The ground was soaking, mixed with morning dew and the heavy rain from the night before.  The car was soaking and the washing lay droopily over the washing line as if it was hanging its head down because it was ashamed of something.

I clambered out of bed and tossed on my dressing gown.  I suddenly heard a noise I’d been dreading and mourning over ALL SUMMER!  It’s that beastly cricket.  I love to play it but I hate to watch it.  Besides when the cricket comes on in the morning there’s a good chance it will keep flicking for long periods of time for the WHOLE DAY.

To avoid being invited to watch the sport I sneaked down the corridor and slipped into Mum and Dad’s room.  I’m not in there for long as I quickly hear the news we’re going to camp on the beach tonight.  I go off dancing around the house clumsily yelling, “Hooray”.  We were soon told we’d leave at 4 pm so to be ready.  4 o’clock seemed to come years later.  Finally I grab my pillow and a few sleeping bags, than leap off the deck and dart to the beach.  As I arrive I stare and gape at the unique colour of the sea.  A colour not found in a paint box or in a flower, only in the stunning ocean.  I soon found Daddy pitching the tent and helped him do the last wee bits. 

It’s not long before the rest of the family arrive on this astonishingly beautiful day.  I suddenly realise how much more beautiful the beach is than my bedroom window view.  All at once I have a sudden urge to go swimming.  I throw on my togs, leap down to the shallow depths where I feel the cold crispy water lap upon my toes.  Not caring about the icy temperature I splash into the calm blue water, swim smooth strokes and dive cleanly under a wave.  I was in for a while before I came out and dried myself, while feeling the warm smooth soft sand beneath my soles.  I am so lucky to live by perfect Pakiri beach.

The afternoon goes slowly and finally evening arrives where we toast marshmallows at a bonfire in front of our tent.  Hugo had about 20 delicious melting marshmallows and I and Skye had about 4 each.  I was extremely excited as I crawled into my sleeping bag listening to all the noises.  The heavy waves, the crackling bonfire, my parents chatting outside and the gentle breezes that blew around the top level of the beachy sand.  I was put to sleep soundly.  By morning nothing much had changed.

By Lily

Summer

One hot summer I was being lazy, relaxing to some music while sucking up my ice cold fizzy drink through a straw, when I decided to go to the beach.  I slipped into my jandals, slopped on some sunblock, flipped on my sunhat, slid on my sunglasses and stepped outside into the fresh air.

 I raced across the meadow and sunk my feet into the soft sand.  I stepped closer to the deep blue sea to feel the cool water lapping at my toes, making me realise I had forgotten to get my togs.   

I ran back as fast as I could, quickly dressed, grabbed my goggles and a towel then was sprinting back to the shore in no time at all.

The beach! What’s not to love.

Tamsyn