A Day to Remember
“Got the picnic bag?” I yell over my shoulder.
“Yes mas-ter,” Hugo, my annoying older brother replied robotically.
“And have you got the compass?” Archie frowned, mocking my stern question to Hugo.
I nodded, chuckling. So in walking boots, with rugs, food and a compass, we set off into the thick bush.
Pushing past green leaves, heavy with raindrops, we soon came to the first clearing that we identified as ‘The Den.’
Archie was the first to wander over to his favourite tree-stump and plonk himself down. Hugo was the next but unfortunately his stump was wet and soon the boys were arguing about who should sit on which stump! I gave a chuckle glancing across to the pathetically fighting boys.
“Oh for pity’s sake!” I shout at last, blushing as I realised how much I sounded like a bossy mother, “We’ll be off again soon, so Hugo why don’t you sit on the ground, or Archie,” I put in.
“It’s wet,” they both groaned in chorus with each other, then laughed all over again.
Bored of the two, I got up, brushed my hands on the seat of my jeans, then carried on walking through the bush. The boys soon caught up with me, still laughing like a band of mad hyenas! Finally Archie recovered from his hectic giggles but typically Hugo went way over the top and fell over with his laughing! Unluckily for him, he fell right into a bush with spiky leaves and landed on the other side in a dark pit looking thing. Now he wasn’t laughing. But Archie and I were cracking up!! As we bent down to haul him up, I heard a distant noise.
“Did you hear that?” I immediately asked. Both boys nodded, frozen with alarm.
“Could it possibly have been a horse?”
Both boys looked at each other.
‘Yes it could have been.’ I could see them thinking. ‘But they certainly didn’t want me chasing after wild horses!’
“It can’t have been”, Hugo said at last. “Not way out here.”
But reading their nervous expressions it was plain clear to me that they were just pretending. But surely horses aren’t way out here in the bush?
I quickly began darting dramatically round bends and following the whinnies.
As I continued struggling past stems, stumps, roots and more, the whinnies finally appeared to be closer. I slowly approached a large fir tree, then put my head on one side and glanced between thick, slanting branches ….. standing there was a beautiful chocolate brown pony with amazing eyes.
It looked as though she were smiling as she lowered her head, almost asking me to pat her. As I took a step back, she followed me. The beautiful filly kept nickering and trying to nuzzle me.
‘She’s probably been abused and now needs help.’
I thought while glancing at her crusty sores.
“Come with me beautiful,” I whispered. “You need my help. You need a permanent home.”
Lily
Feedback from the Judge
I think you got caught out on the word count. Your characters are real, your setting has atmosphere. There's the tension there and then you find the horse and then it's over. I felt that the story was just the beginning. I wonder if you might go on to write novels rather than short stories. The novel might be ' your thing'! Worth a try. You might want to keek working on this one. There's so much more to tell. Who owns the horse? Why has it been so badly treated? What are you going to do with it? Take it home? What if the owner comes looking for it? There's the danger you might get accused of stealing it. The brothers - how do they fit in with the story?
There is so much more to tell and I'd love to read more.
The Puffin theme could work in so easily - you could call the horse Puffin!
Autographed copy of your novel, please!
Feedback provided by famous author Dawn McMillan.
Feedback from the Judge
I think you got caught out on the word count. Your characters are real, your setting has atmosphere. There's the tension there and then you find the horse and then it's over. I felt that the story was just the beginning. I wonder if you might go on to write novels rather than short stories. The novel might be ' your thing'! Worth a try. You might want to keek working on this one. There's so much more to tell. Who owns the horse? Why has it been so badly treated? What are you going to do with it? Take it home? What if the owner comes looking for it? There's the danger you might get accused of stealing it. The brothers - how do they fit in with the story?
There is so much more to tell and I'd love to read more.
The Puffin theme could work in so easily - you could call the horse Puffin!
Autographed copy of your novel, please!
Feedback provided by famous author Dawn McMillan.
